How do we practitioners define a "perfect day"? .. because if life is supposed to be met with equanimity, then they all are perfect off the cushion, right?
Right.
Yesterday, was my "perfect day" and I want to share it:
I'm not going to mince words when I admit that June has been a wild month for me with the personal revelations during the month-long retreat we just ended, during which catching the COVID "cold" had me taking stock out in Kleenex, and watching our world crash and burn made me want to disassociate from it all. My days have revolved around making sure my two baby cats are well taken care of, that the shades are down at the right time as to not let the hot sun in, watching for emails from Khandro-la and Co. to take me into my next project, meditating with mantra counting, and honestly, trying not to allow the noisy neighbors drive my actions to extremes.
Yesterday started out with me laying in bed catching up on my social media apps while my cats sunned themselves, and as I began to get up, I was already over stimulated with noise and by my own coughing. The realization hit that I had to head out to an appointment too coupled with grocery shopping in the heat after battling downtown traffic .. I was already done before my feet hit the floor. My heart center hurt and I went to my cushion in tears. I told Vajrayogini I didn't want to be kind today, and that I didn't want to have compassion for anyone either. "Why can everyone else take up space that intrudes on my own, and why do I have to participate in this shitty world," I asked Her.
My anxiety level was that of a scared, hunted animal in that moment.
So what did I do after I screamed at Her and ripped my guts out? .. I practiced my mental health therapy - ACT [Acceptance and Commitment Therapy] by using the "both and" mindset - "I don't want to do this and I'm going to do it anyway." And so, I stood up and through tears and barred teeth did tonglen just as Khandro-la taught me to do. I dug deep into my subtle body and got on my hands and knees to release the billowing clouds of blackness that were choking me by "vomiting", just as Khandro-la taught me to do too. There was no thinking mind, just simple faith that Vajrayogini had heard me.
I felt different after that and my day went well, complete with searing neck pain, sweaty parts of my body I won't mention, a migraine from the impending thunderstorm that was rolling in, and other annoyances .. yet somehow, it all just "was" and it all just was "perfect". I've cried and gnashed my teeth on my cushion before, but something clicked inside me yesterday that is akin to the deepest bonding I've ever felt before - I now trust myself through Vajrayogini's eyes.
Reminds me of the 5 Perfects KL taught during MMJ, if I remember correctly - the perfect place, perfect teacher, perfect retinue, perfect teaching, perfect teaching.