Looking for a "sign." But what is a sign if not my mind looking? Feeling discouraged by doubt. But what is doubt if not awareness seeing? Questioning my devotion. But what is devotion if not this heart yearning for it? Where is Vajrayogini if not in my looking, feeling and questioning?

I am a fortunate human. Alongside several of my fellow vajra siblings, I received Vajrayogini empowerment in the fall of 2021. So, during this weekend’s empowerment, I was keenly aware of how much this “vessel” for initiation was different from the one who received that first empowerment. It felt like I was meeting Vajrayogini again (for the 1st time). Shortly after the 1st empowerment, our 13-year-old granddaughter, Myra, and I were visiting some family out of town and staying in a yurt-like cabin in the woods. Those mornings, I would wake up early to practice the short sadhana and recite the mantra in the dark, sitting in a chair next to the bed where she was still sleeping. A month later, Myra died by suicide and our lives as we knew it ended forever. Vajrayogini’s charnel ground opened up and swallowed me whole. With this bottomless chasm of grief in my heart, I was somehow comforted knowing that Myra had made a connection with Vajrayogini before her death - in the dark, in the cabin, in the woods. I determinedly and sometimes in blind grief, continued my daily commitment of practicing the sadhana with mantra recitations and, at Khandro-la’s suggestion, began to recite the Vajrayogini 8-Line Praise as often as I could. A lot could be said about the last 2 years of my grief journey with Vajrayogini and as Vajrayogini. Paradoxes of the grief experience can mirror paradoxes of Dakini practice – drowning in emptiness; creating from nothingness; laughing through brokenness; loving with despair. I discovered how, surprisingly, a shattered heart can hold so much love. All beings and all phenomena in this charnel ground are, after all, manifestations of Vajrayogini. Thus, I approached this Vajrayogini empowerment with a thoughtful intention – to arrive as an empty “vessel,” empty of all that obstructs, and to receive and water the seeds that lead to awakening. As the empowerment began, I couldn’t shake this feeling that Myra was here with me, standing behind me, smiling (in a rather dakini-like, mischievous mood which was not unlike her). There was a knowing, some clarity and a sense of complete dissolution that I can’t honestly describe. It felt as if I was melting into awareness, into love, into bodhicitta – into Vajrayogini – meeting her again for the first time. With this, there arose a sense of urgency - fierce determination, as KL might call it, to wake up, to embody Vajrayogini to beneft all beings! I literally felt this in my body – warmth in my lower belly and a tugging in my heart. Was this alive, limitless, and ungraspable energy a glimpse of the purity of the charnel ground? I don’t know, but what I do know is Vajrayogini’s charnel ground of grief has (and frankly always will) cleared some sort of way for me to see, to give, to receive and to love in a new way. We’ll see where this path now leads.

“What are you holding onto for dear life?” Khandro-la asked us during our first Shiwa Lamsab practice following transmission. As our Retreat ended last night, I listened to everyone’s beautiful and heart-felt comments about their Retreat experience. I was touched and inspired and, I can’t deny it, a bit envious. I thought, “Am I the only one?” No doubt, for me during Retreat, there are moments of light, fertile richness, abundance, possibility, utter devotion, and appreciation. But also, I find that Retreats have a tendency to reveal my deepest, most troubling kleshas, poisons, conditioned and habitual patterns. I find myself often sitting in the charnel ground of the stench of this manure and feel like sobbing with hopelessness about this human condition, samsara, I cling so tightly to. There, sometimes, doubt raises its ugly head and I think, “Am I even worthy of these precious practices?” Amidst the roller coaster of energies and emotions I experience during Retreat, I recognize something that doesn’t change. I see the suffering that pervades the whole earth and I experience what feels like this indestructible yearning to practice, to keep practicing and keep practicing until I can wholeheartedly uncover the answer to this question, “What are you holding onto for dear life?” Then, and only then, can I fully awaken in order to help other poor souls such as me to see clearly who and what we truly are.

Dakini is the silence that hears, and the space that sees, touches, smells, and experiences all things – inner and outer phenomena. Revealing her secrets, my life can turn completely upside down! And then, everything that I see, feel, hear, touch, smell, taste and think are Dakini, Prajnaparamita, Vajrayogini, buddha nature - inseparable. Imagining this, generating awareness, feeling energy, sensations, I come face-to-face with her and, alas! There is a sighting of my “original face before I was born.” Here my heart expands into the vast universe and dissolves into fierce, non-objectifying compassion.   If I could draw this “Living as Dakini” experience, it would be empty space with continuous movements that arise and dissolve; that have no beginning and no end; that come in me and through me; and that touch all beings and all things sparking a knowing that opens every heart, especially mine. Living as Dakini ignites my spiritual/human journey with a power that is limitless.

I share my "ponderings" of this tricky question Khandro-la asks in Module 8. It feels like taking refuge for the first time in the deepest of places, in the very bones of my body. It feels like meeting a stranger who stirs some sort of longing, a familiarity in my heart. It feels like going back to my childhood when the sweetness in my heart was all that I knew. It feels like a wink and a smile, a dance, maybe even some crazy dancing. It feels like a magnet pulling and tugging me towards a space that is filled with wisdom dakinis – ferocious and wild, passionate and kind, and knowing, always knowing. It feels like home.    

Yesterday we celebrated the publication of Khandro-la's new book! As one of the key student editors, she asked me to share about my experience of working with her on this book. She said something like…..”you can speak of your horror and your joy, perhaps!” I chuckled to myself thinking, how does she know my thoughts? Truly this experience was part charnel ground and part heaven, part samsara and part nirvana…. All and all, yes, I admit, some sort of “horror” and “joy.” For those of you who are familiar with KL’s SB work and the warming up exercises and movements when we shake, stretch, and squiggle our entire bodies, my experience in editing this book was kind of like squiggling. There was some sort of untying the knots that accompanied me every step of the way. One day dakini danced with the joy and resonance of emptiness, bliss, wisdom; on another day she fell on her knees with a sort of despair, truthfully, not knowing exactly why; and it seemed that there were always these days of emergence with a heart as big as a full moon dawning on a clear morning. To KL who entrusted me with this jewel, I am so humbled and honored and grateful. May all who read Dakini Journey in the Contemporary World feel, taste, touch, smell, see, hear and so, embody, dakini within!

As I read Tsarchen's "Prayer to Behold the Beautiful Face of Dakini Queen," I imagine him wandering in the Himalayas, meditating in caves, practicing sadhanas, quietly reciting mantra recitations and all the while, looking, looking, looking for this elusive dakini. "There she is!" he might exclaim in response to a particular happening. Then, poof! she is gone again! I admire his tenacity because, he just keeps practicing with this longing. I often feel a bit like I imagine Tsarchen felt as he searched for dakini. Yet, "despite his endless search," he "found no certainty" of her. Finally, exhausted, "burned out" maybe with a tad of hopelessness or at least some doubt, at last, he surrendered and guess what? There she was indeed, right here, right now, "in the forest hut of the ineffable." May we too come to recognize her face - our own face - resting in this forest hut.

Pacifying… I hear the boldness in Khandro-la’s voice when she says, “This is not conventional pacifying! This is awakened activity to remove obstacles!” So, I invite all obstacles into the expanse of Buddha space Dakini. I say “yes” to fear, to hope, to joy, to sorrow, to it all. Looking from the inside out, feeling into the heart of each obstacle clearly, experiencing the strength of this boundless openness, I then hear her say, “why don’t you cry into the heart of this unconditional presence? Then what happens?” With curiosity, affection, and acceptance (bliss?), I allow it all and say, “Yes!” In whatever way the touching of my own heart deeply penetrates obstacles to awakening, I dedicate to others in the same way.

Coming into Karma Dakini, I see I am already here. It’s just that the dimmer switch has shifted into the “stuck” mode. Ambition, Efficiency, Overscrupulosity (my husband made this word up)– all are my friends until they are not. Karma Dakini draws her sword to cut, cut, cut, severing the root – this doer who is always doing! She goes first for the head – slash! My mind stops! Next, sword to the heart is a gentle touch with the warmth of a fire…. some melting there, tenderness and kindness to this crazy yogini. How about a little compassion here, Ellen. And by the way, who do you think you are? Stunned, shocked into emptiness, I let go. Glimpsing the wisdom in disguise, I hear Karma Wind Dakini whisper in my ear - Wake up! Wake up!

Coming to the end of our 3-month householder retreat, I see that self-grasping is the opening and Troma Nakmo has opened the door. Standing at the door, it feels heavy, dark, and forceful, powerful. Opening the door and walking into the room, I see it’s not 'me', it’s Troma Nakmo, and it’s not a room. It’s vast space with billions, innumerable 'me' replicas filling the space, and innumerable 'others' too. 'I', Troma Nakmo, am plowing through, laying down, reveling in the hot mess 'I' have been all my life and that all are still drowning in. 'I', Troma Nakmo, fall flat and make a big splash. All becomes the same - the great equalizer, the great seer. She is bliss. I offer her to all beings.

Hello my fellow dakas and dakinis on this New Dakini Journey! Yesterday I watched the video, Dakini in Tibetan Buddhism, in Module Five, Karma Dakini. I was once again struck by Dakini's power and presence! This 19 minute video of Khandro-la's teaching is "juicy!" If you want to learn about the dimensions of Dakini, a bit of history and be filled with your own possibilities of encountering Dakini, take a few moments to watch this video!

Heart energy stirs Ignites blazing awareness. Watch this “self” dissolve.

My aversions are bold and loud; attachments quiet, sweet, comfortable until they are threatened. Then the torment begins. Is this the workablity of the surprising charnel ground?

INVITE Dakini who is already here. LISTEN to her soundless sound. ALLOW her ineffable presence to DISPEL the darkness that is light. FLOW with her magic dance. GATHER her energy to RETURN HOME, to this place I never left.

Weather experts say a "once in a generation" winter storm is coming. States of "emergency" are already declared in anticipation of dangerously low temperatures and high winds with rain turned to ice and then snow. I am aware of feelings of anxiety in my body when I hear these warnings of "doom," anticipating more suffering in the world. I turn my attention towards Ratna Earth Dakini and listen. I hear Khandro-la's inquiries - "where is the earth beneath your feet now, Ellen?" Do you feel it rumbling? What's that like for you? Rest in that." Suddenly Earth is trembling and water is pouring in - forceful water, freezing water, drowning water. I turn my attention towards Vajra Water Dakini and listen. I hear Khandro-la's inquiries - "Do you feel the debris rising up from the storm? Where has it been? Where is it going? Can Earth hold it all? Reflect on that." Earth and Water meet in life's "storms." I practice, sitting in the river of blessings of our Ear-Whisper Lineage, with these great yoginis and yogis; I stay in the midst of these storms and feel the warmth of the 'candlelight at my heart.'

How can I smile at how I feel today - unsettled, out of sorts, discombobulated, sad, scared - lots of some really old stuff rising up - attachment, aversion, confusion. I feel Troma Nakmo dakini breathinginto me, breathing me, rising up with fury through my central channel only to dive back down with skullcup and chopknife devouring this fragile ego self. HA! HA! HEE! HEE! Blood dripping from her lips, she snorts with glee. And I am still here.

Yesterday I watched the DW YouTube video, The Mystical Flavor of the Ear-Whispered Lineage and Troma Nakmo. In describing the mystical aspect of Tsongkhapa, Khandro-la says something like, "he used language (rational thought) to cut through language....to go to the edge and then drop it!" (I apologize for any misrepresentation of KL's beautiful teaching, by the way.) The deeper I go into dakini teachings and practices, the more deeply ingrained, pervasive habitual patterns are uncovered. Some are qualities that have, and still do, serve me well you could say. Mystical Tsongkhapa has got me thinking about discipline, a quality I have had the fortune to have but that also can turn around and bite in the 'you know what!' Working with my mind, dakinis have been dancing and playing there in the midst of this quality of discipline. And hearing about Tsongkhapa taking this rational, logical quality of thinking and using it to cut through the very obstacle that it can be has inspired me to do the same. Thus, I have a new self-inquiry question for this Troma Nakmo Retreat - How can I use discipline to take me to the edge, then drop it? Jump! Leap! Maybe Troma Nakmo, this wrathful aspect of Machik will push me there, and then over! I'm wondering if others are discovering things about yourself that might take you to the edge of what we are capable of with a willingness to then, JUMP!?!

Vajra Water Dakini: Hello Ellen. Hmmm…you look a little frazzled today. What’s up? Ellen: It’s raining here, and muddy water is stirred up everywhere. Vajra Water Dakini: Muddy water runs deep sometimes. Ellen: Yet, I feel, I see, I know – it’s always held in the arms of Earth. Vajra Water Dakini: (With a chuckle) Maybe Earth is Water’s lover and protector. Ellen: Come on, Water Dakini needs no protection! It is her dynamic power that can destroy anything that might obstruct her path! Vajra Water Dakini: What’s in her path today, Ellen? Ellen: Ha! You know me so well, Vajra Water Dakini. You know it is only “me” that is obstructing her path today. Damn! I want so badly to rid myself of this self-cherishing, self-grasping! Why is this so hard?!? Vajra Water Dakini: Nobody said it would be easy. But that’s the hardest part, Ellen, your “wanting so badly to rid yourself” part, that part. Can you look a bit closer at that part? What might she want to say to you? Ellen: She’s confused. She’s trying so hard not to get in the way. She just wants to be invisible, like a ghost. Instead, she rears her conditioned self (like a ghost) to shock me again and again into some uncomfortable awareness. Vajra Water Dakini: What if you could see her, instead of as a ghost, more like a mirror? What might she be reflecting back to you…though still she can be quite brutal and shocking, I know. Ellen: (I pause) It takes guts to look in this mirror. But when I do, I get a glimpse. I see her there. This play of goodness and thwarted intentions, this dance of human realness and clear, untainted possibilities, this love. Vajra Water Dakini: Go with that, stay with it. Let it take you wherever. Look into the mirror of muddy water. What do you see? Ellen: Turns out maybe muddy water can reflect clearly when our eyes are open. And that’s not magic, it’s wisdom.

I've been thinking about this concept of feeling "overwhelmed" as part of the Dakini's Whisper experience. It doesn't exactly describe my own personal experience but another word occurs to me which does, and maybe others might relate - overstimulated - though even the word "over" doesn't exactly fit. It's not like it's "over the top, too much." It's more like there are so many different resources, practices, offerings, that if I let the integration aspect slip through my fingers, my reaction might be one of helplessness, ("I can't do this."), frustration and giving up. Whatever the term, overwhelmed or overstimulated, it's for me a deeply ingrained, internalized feeling/energy, that swirls around my world with varying degrees of force. Khandro-la's teaching about the dimmer switch - it's all just energy, it's all the same energy - helps me rest in it and see what happens. May my awareness come back to this, again and again, as I begin this 3-month householder retreat.