Tell me, how can I behold the beautiful face of Vajrayogini? Is she perhaps my “original face before I was born?” The one I am coming home to? What did you say? Oh! Vajrayogini’s (my) own face is not a face at all?! No! It is this state of vivid, clear awareness, a union of seeing/not seeing, being/not being. It’s not a face at all. It’s every sight, sound, taste, smell, touch, thought, feeling, emotion – with no preference, taking me directly to Shantideva’s City of Joy - this home that is right here, where I have always been that expands vastly to include the entire universe – bodhicitta! How alluring, courageous, fierce, compassionate, wild, and yes, frightening (dakini-like) this can be. This revealing of my true face which is, indeed, not a face at all.

From a crouched, still position, something stirs. The movement is slow to start as if it is rising from a long, slow sleep. Movements begin – there’s reaching in every direction, twisting, spiraling, some waves, and some rocking back and forth. I look around and see the world and all creatures. I gently point to them all and invite them to join me. Come here. Come here. Let’s dance. And so, we do. A dance of hope and fear, parting and meeting, love, and loss. I lose awareness of any “other” as the dancing bodhicitta consumes me. I am dancing bodhicitta. I cry, I smile, I laugh - HA HA! HA HEE!

With the blazing eyes of Dakini, I see clearly all the suffering in the world. I wrap my arms around every living creature, and from the depths of my heart, I gather all their suffering and bring it directly into every kernel of my own heart. I hold it there. I breathe it in. I weep. The tears are purifying, and my heart expands with all the goodness, virtue and fortune of my own life and breathing out, I send it all, every bit of it, to the suffering beings in the world. There is an natural pause and, in this gap, loving energy rises and burns. May I always be a source, a wish-fulfilling jewel, the one who holds the diamond and may I always give it away. As fierce Dakini, I pray to follow Shantideva's teachings. May I become at all times, both now and forever,               A protector for those without protection               A guide for those who have lost their way               A ship for those with oceans to cross               A bridge for those with rivers to cross               A sanctuary for those in danger               A lamp for those without light               A place of refuge for those who lack shelter               And a servant to all in need.

I have a little dance in my step now as I walk into the charnel ground. I sit there and own it with my own true face. I am not afraid. Anxious, yes, but not afraid. I swear. How can that be?

There is this little gnat in my meditation room. Or maybe there is more than one gnat and it’s just that one appears at a time. Or maybe there are many manifestations of this one gnat that join me in Retreat - studying, contemplating, and practicing. Seeing the gnat always brings a smile to my face. Curious, I looked up - what is a gnat? Wikipedia says, “A gnat is one of many species of tiny flying insects. They can be both biting and non-biting.” I bet you can guess where I am going with this. The gnat is a manifestation of Vajrayogini. Sky dancer! Both wrathful and peaceful! The gnat is pointing out something to me. “That’s what that is!” I have no doubt about it.

Looking for a "sign." But what is a sign if not my mind looking? Feeling discouraged by doubt. But what is doubt if not awareness seeing? Questioning my devotion. But what is devotion if not this heart yearning for it? Where is Vajrayogini if not in my looking, feeling and questioning?

I am a fortunate human. Alongside several of my fellow vajra siblings, I received Vajrayogini empowerment in the fall of 2021. So, during this weekend’s empowerment, I was keenly aware of how much this “vessel” for initiation was different from the one who received that first empowerment. It felt like I was meeting Vajrayogini again (for the 1st time). Shortly after the 1st empowerment, our 13-year-old granddaughter, Myra, and I were visiting some family out of town and staying in a yurt-like cabin in the woods. Those mornings, I would wake up early to practice the short sadhana and recite the mantra in the dark, sitting in a chair next to the bed where she was still sleeping. A month later, Myra died by suicide and our lives as we knew it ended forever. Vajrayogini’s charnel ground opened up and swallowed me whole. With this bottomless chasm of grief in my heart, I was somehow comforted knowing that Myra had made a connection with Vajrayogini before her death - in the dark, in the cabin, in the woods. I determinedly and sometimes in blind grief, continued my daily commitment of practicing the sadhana with mantra recitations and, at Khandro-la’s suggestion, began to recite the Vajrayogini 8-Line Praise as often as I could. A lot could be said about the last 2 years of my grief journey with Vajrayogini and as Vajrayogini. Paradoxes of the grief experience can mirror paradoxes of Dakini practice – drowning in emptiness; creating from nothingness; laughing through brokenness; loving with despair. I discovered how, surprisingly, a shattered heart can hold so much love. All beings and all phenomena in this charnel ground are, after all, manifestations of Vajrayogini. Thus, I approached this Vajrayogini empowerment with a thoughtful intention – to arrive as an empty “vessel,” empty of all that obstructs, and to receive and water the seeds that lead to awakening. As the empowerment began, I couldn’t shake this feeling that Myra was here with me, standing behind me, smiling (in a rather dakini-like, mischievous mood which was not unlike her). There was a knowing, some clarity and a sense of complete dissolution that I can’t honestly describe. It felt as if I was melting into awareness, into love, into bodhicitta – into Vajrayogini – meeting her again for the first time. With this, there arose a sense of urgency - fierce determination, as KL might call it, to wake up, to embody Vajrayogini to beneft all beings! I literally felt this in my body – warmth in my lower belly and a tugging in my heart. Was this alive, limitless, and ungraspable energy a glimpse of the purity of the charnel ground? I don’t know, but what I do know is Vajrayogini’s charnel ground of grief has (and frankly always will) cleared some sort of way for me to see, to give, to receive and to love in a new way. We’ll see where this path now leads.

“What are you holding onto for dear life?” Khandro-la asked us during our first Shiwa Lamsab practice following transmission. As our Retreat ended last night, I listened to everyone’s beautiful and heart-felt comments about their Retreat experience. I was touched and inspired and, I can’t deny it, a bit envious. I thought, “Am I the only one?” No doubt, for me during Retreat, there are moments of light, fertile richness, abundance, possibility, utter devotion, and appreciation. But also, I find that Retreats have a tendency to reveal my deepest, most troubling kleshas, poisons, conditioned and habitual patterns. I find myself often sitting in the charnel ground of the stench of this manure and feel like sobbing with hopelessness about this human condition, samsara, I cling so tightly to. There, sometimes, doubt raises its ugly head and I think, “Am I even worthy of these precious practices?” Amidst the roller coaster of energies and emotions I experience during Retreat, I recognize something that doesn’t change. I see the suffering that pervades the whole earth and I experience what feels like this indestructible yearning to practice, to keep practicing and keep practicing until I can wholeheartedly uncover the answer to this question, “What are you holding onto for dear life?” Then, and only then, can I fully awaken in order to help other poor souls such as me to see clearly who and what we truly are.

Dakini is the silence that hears, and the space that sees, touches, smells, and experiences all things – inner and outer phenomena. Revealing her secrets, my life can turn completely upside down! And then, everything that I see, feel, hear, touch, smell, taste and think are Dakini, Prajnaparamita, Vajrayogini, buddha nature - inseparable. Imagining this, generating awareness, feeling energy, sensations, I come face-to-face with her and, alas! There is a sighting of my “original face before I was born.” Here my heart expands into the vast universe and dissolves into fierce, non-objectifying compassion.   If I could draw this “Living as Dakini” experience, it would be empty space with continuous movements that arise and dissolve; that have no beginning and no end; that come in me and through me; and that touch all beings and all things sparking a knowing that opens every heart, especially mine. Living as Dakini ignites my spiritual/human journey with a power that is limitless.

I share my "ponderings" of this tricky question Khandro-la asks in Module 8. It feels like taking refuge for the first time in the deepest of places, in the very bones of my body. It feels like meeting a stranger who stirs some sort of longing, a familiarity in my heart. It feels like going back to my childhood when the sweetness in my heart was all that I knew. It feels like a wink and a smile, a dance, maybe even some crazy dancing. It feels like a magnet pulling and tugging me towards a space that is filled with wisdom dakinis – ferocious and wild, passionate and kind, and knowing, always knowing. It feels like home.    

Yesterday we celebrated the publication of Khandro-la's new book! As one of the key student editors, she asked me to share about my experience of working with her on this book. She said something like…..”you can speak of your horror and your joy, perhaps!” I chuckled to myself thinking, how does she know my thoughts? Truly this experience was part charnel ground and part heaven, part samsara and part nirvana…. All and all, yes, I admit, some sort of “horror” and “joy.” For those of you who are familiar with KL’s SB work and the warming up exercises and movements when we shake, stretch, and squiggle our entire bodies, my experience in editing this book was kind of like squiggling. There was some sort of untying the knots that accompanied me every step of the way. One day dakini danced with the joy and resonance of emptiness, bliss, wisdom; on another day she fell on her knees with a sort of despair, truthfully, not knowing exactly why; and it seemed that there were always these days of emergence with a heart as big as a full moon dawning on a clear morning. To KL who entrusted me with this jewel, I am so humbled and honored and grateful. May all who read Dakini Journey in the Contemporary World feel, taste, touch, smell, see, hear and so, embody, dakini within!

As I read Tsarchen's "Prayer to Behold the Beautiful Face of Dakini Queen," I imagine him wandering in the Himalayas, meditating in caves, practicing sadhanas, quietly reciting mantra recitations and all the while, looking, looking, looking for this elusive dakini. "There she is!" he might exclaim in response to a particular happening. Then, poof! she is gone again! I admire his tenacity because, he just keeps practicing with this longing. I often feel a bit like I imagine Tsarchen felt as he searched for dakini. Yet, "despite his endless search," he "found no certainty" of her. Finally, exhausted, "burned out" maybe with a tad of hopelessness or at least some doubt, at last, he surrendered and guess what? There she was indeed, right here, right now, "in the forest hut of the ineffable." May we too come to recognize her face - our own face - resting in this forest hut.

Pacifying… I hear the boldness in Khandro-la’s voice when she says, “This is not conventional pacifying! This is awakened activity to remove obstacles!” So, I invite all obstacles into the expanse of Buddha space Dakini. I say “yes” to fear, to hope, to joy, to sorrow, to it all. Looking from the inside out, feeling into the heart of each obstacle clearly, experiencing the strength of this boundless openness, I then hear her say, “why don’t you cry into the heart of this unconditional presence? Then what happens?” With curiosity, affection, and acceptance (bliss?), I allow it all and say, “Yes!” In whatever way the touching of my own heart deeply penetrates obstacles to awakening, I dedicate to others in the same way.

Coming into Karma Dakini, I see I am already here. It’s just that the dimmer switch has shifted into the “stuck” mode. Ambition, Efficiency, Overscrupulosity (my husband made this word up)– all are my friends until they are not. Karma Dakini draws her sword to cut, cut, cut, severing the root – this doer who is always doing! She goes first for the head – slash! My mind stops! Next, sword to the heart is a gentle touch with the warmth of a fire…. some melting there, tenderness and kindness to this crazy yogini. How about a little compassion here, Ellen. And by the way, who do you think you are? Stunned, shocked into emptiness, I let go. Glimpsing the wisdom in disguise, I hear Karma Wind Dakini whisper in my ear - Wake up! Wake up!

Coming to the end of our 3-month householder retreat, I see that self-grasping is the opening and Troma Nakmo has opened the door. Standing at the door, it feels heavy, dark, and forceful, powerful. Opening the door and walking into the room, I see it’s not 'me', it’s Troma Nakmo, and it’s not a room. It’s vast space with billions, innumerable 'me' replicas filling the space, and innumerable 'others' too. 'I', Troma Nakmo, am plowing through, laying down, reveling in the hot mess 'I' have been all my life and that all are still drowning in. 'I', Troma Nakmo, fall flat and make a big splash. All becomes the same - the great equalizer, the great seer. She is bliss. I offer her to all beings.

Hello my fellow dakas and dakinis on this New Dakini Journey! Yesterday I watched the video, Dakini in Tibetan Buddhism, in Module Five, Karma Dakini. I was once again struck by Dakini's power and presence! This 19 minute video of Khandro-la's teaching is "juicy!" If you want to learn about the dimensions of Dakini, a bit of history and be filled with your own possibilities of encountering Dakini, take a few moments to watch this video!

Heart energy stirs Ignites blazing awareness. Watch this “self” dissolve.

My aversions are bold and loud; attachments quiet, sweet, comfortable until they are threatened. Then the torment begins. Is this the workablity of the surprising charnel ground?

INVITE Dakini who is already here. LISTEN to her soundless sound. ALLOW her ineffable presence to DISPEL the darkness that is light. FLOW with her magic dance. GATHER her energy to RETURN HOME, to this place I never left.

Weather experts say a "once in a generation" winter storm is coming. States of "emergency" are already declared in anticipation of dangerously low temperatures and high winds with rain turned to ice and then snow. I am aware of feelings of anxiety in my body when I hear these warnings of "doom," anticipating more suffering in the world. I turn my attention towards Ratna Earth Dakini and listen. I hear Khandro-la's inquiries - "where is the earth beneath your feet now, Ellen?" Do you feel it rumbling? What's that like for you? Rest in that." Suddenly Earth is trembling and water is pouring in - forceful water, freezing water, drowning water. I turn my attention towards Vajra Water Dakini and listen. I hear Khandro-la's inquiries - "Do you feel the debris rising up from the storm? Where has it been? Where is it going? Can Earth hold it all? Reflect on that." Earth and Water meet in life's "storms." I practice, sitting in the river of blessings of our Ear-Whisper Lineage, with these great yoginis and yogis; I stay in the midst of these storms and feel the warmth of the 'candlelight at my heart.'