Yesterday we celebrated the publication of Khandro-la's new book! As one of the key student editors, she asked me to share about my experience of working with her on this book. She said something like…..”you can speak of your horror and your joy, perhaps!” I chuckled to myself thinking, how does she know my thoughts? Truly this experience was part charnel ground and part heaven, part samsara and part nirvana…. All and all, yes, I admit, some sort of “horror” and “joy.” For those of you who are familiar with KL’s SB work and the warming up exercises and movements when we shake, stretch, and squiggle our entire bodies, my experience in editing this book was kind of like squiggling. There was some sort of untying the knots that accompanied me every step of the way. One day dakini danced with the joy and resonance of emptiness, bliss, wisdom; on another day she fell on her knees with a sort of despair, truthfully, not knowing exactly why; and it seemed that there were always these days of emergence with a heart as big as a full moon dawning on a clear morning. To KL who entrusted me with this jewel, I am so humbled and honored and grateful. May all who read Dakini Journey in the Contemporary World feel, taste, touch, smell, see, hear and so, embody, dakini within!

As I read Tsarchen's "Prayer to Behold the Beautiful Face of Dakini Queen," I imagine him wandering in the Himalayas, meditating in caves, practicing sadhanas, quietly reciting mantra recitations and all the while, looking, looking, looking for this elusive dakini. "There she is!" he might exclaim in response to a particular happening. Then, poof! she is gone again! I admire his tenacity because, he just keeps practicing with this longing. I often feel a bit like I imagine Tsarchen felt as he searched for dakini. Yet, "despite his endless search," he "found no certainty" of her. Finally, exhausted, "burned out" maybe with a tad of hopelessness or at least some doubt, at last, he surrendered and guess what? There she was indeed, right here, right now, "in the forest hut of the ineffable." May we too come to recognize her face - our own face - resting in this forest hut.

Pacifying… I hear the boldness in Khandro-la’s voice when she says, “This is not conventional pacifying! This is awakened activity to remove obstacles!” So, I invite all obstacles into the expanse of Buddha space Dakini. I say “yes” to fear, to hope, to joy, to sorrow, to it all. Looking from the inside out, feeling into the heart of each obstacle clearly, experiencing the strength of this boundless openness, I then hear her say, “why don’t you cry into the heart of this unconditional presence? Then what happens?” With curiosity, affection, and acceptance (bliss?), I allow it all and say, “Yes!” In whatever way the touching of my own heart deeply penetrates obstacles to awakening, I dedicate to others in the same way.

Coming into Karma Dakini, I see I am already here. It’s just that the dimmer switch has shifted into the “stuck” mode. Ambition, Efficiency, Overscrupulosity (my husband made this word up)– all are my friends until they are not. Karma Dakini draws her sword to cut, cut, cut, severing the root – this doer who is always doing! She goes first for the head – slash! My mind stops! Next, sword to the heart is a gentle touch with the warmth of a fire…. some melting there, tenderness and kindness to this crazy yogini. How about a little compassion here, Ellen. And by the way, who do you think you are? Stunned, shocked into emptiness, I let go. Glimpsing the wisdom in disguise, I hear Karma Wind Dakini whisper in my ear - Wake up! Wake up!

Coming to the end of our 3-month householder retreat, I see that self-grasping is the opening and Troma Nakmo has opened the door. Standing at the door, it feels heavy, dark, and forceful, powerful. Opening the door and walking into the room, I see it’s not 'me', it’s Troma Nakmo, and it’s not a room. It’s vast space with billions, innumerable 'me' replicas filling the space, and innumerable 'others' too. 'I', Troma Nakmo, am plowing through, laying down, reveling in the hot mess 'I' have been all my life and that all are still drowning in. 'I', Troma Nakmo, fall flat and make a big splash. All becomes the same - the great equalizer, the great seer. She is bliss. I offer her to all beings.

Hello my fellow dakas and dakinis on this New Dakini Journey! Yesterday I watched the video, Dakini in Tibetan Buddhism, in Module Five, Karma Dakini. I was once again struck by Dakini's power and presence! This 19 minute video of Khandro-la's teaching is "juicy!" If you want to learn about the dimensions of Dakini, a bit of history and be filled with your own possibilities of encountering Dakini, take a few moments to watch this video!

Heart energy stirs Ignites blazing awareness. Watch this “self” dissolve.

My aversions are bold and loud; attachments quiet, sweet, comfortable until they are threatened. Then the torment begins. Is this the workablity of the surprising charnel ground?

INVITE Dakini who is already here. LISTEN to her soundless sound. ALLOW her ineffable presence to DISPEL the darkness that is light. FLOW with her magic dance. GATHER her energy to RETURN HOME, to this place I never left.

Weather experts say a "once in a generation" winter storm is coming. States of "emergency" are already declared in anticipation of dangerously low temperatures and high winds with rain turned to ice and then snow. I am aware of feelings of anxiety in my body when I hear these warnings of "doom," anticipating more suffering in the world. I turn my attention towards Ratna Earth Dakini and listen. I hear Khandro-la's inquiries - "where is the earth beneath your feet now, Ellen?" Do you feel it rumbling? What's that like for you? Rest in that." Suddenly Earth is trembling and water is pouring in - forceful water, freezing water, drowning water. I turn my attention towards Vajra Water Dakini and listen. I hear Khandro-la's inquiries - "Do you feel the debris rising up from the storm? Where has it been? Where is it going? Can Earth hold it all? Reflect on that." Earth and Water meet in life's "storms." I practice, sitting in the river of blessings of our Ear-Whisper Lineage, with these great yoginis and yogis; I stay in the midst of these storms and feel the warmth of the 'candlelight at my heart.'

How can I smile at how I feel today - unsettled, out of sorts, discombobulated, sad, scared - lots of some really old stuff rising up - attachment, aversion, confusion. I feel Troma Nakmo dakini breathinginto me, breathing me, rising up with fury through my central channel only to dive back down with skullcup and chopknife devouring this fragile ego self. HA! HA! HEE! HEE! Blood dripping from her lips, she snorts with glee. And I am still here.

Yesterday I watched the DW YouTube video, The Mystical Flavor of the Ear-Whispered Lineage and Troma Nakmo. In describing the mystical aspect of Tsongkhapa, Khandro-la says something like, "he used language (rational thought) to cut through language....to go to the edge and then drop it!" (I apologize for any misrepresentation of KL's beautiful teaching, by the way.) The deeper I go into dakini teachings and practices, the more deeply ingrained, pervasive habitual patterns are uncovered. Some are qualities that have, and still do, serve me well you could say. Mystical Tsongkhapa has got me thinking about discipline, a quality I have had the fortune to have but that also can turn around and bite in the 'you know what!' Working with my mind, dakinis have been dancing and playing there in the midst of this quality of discipline. And hearing about Tsongkhapa taking this rational, logical quality of thinking and using it to cut through the very obstacle that it can be has inspired me to do the same. Thus, I have a new self-inquiry question for this Troma Nakmo Retreat - How can I use discipline to take me to the edge, then drop it? Jump! Leap! Maybe Troma Nakmo, this wrathful aspect of Machik will push me there, and then over! I'm wondering if others are discovering things about yourself that might take you to the edge of what we are capable of with a willingness to then, JUMP!?!

Vajra Water Dakini: Hello Ellen. Hmmm…you look a little frazzled today. What’s up? Ellen: It’s raining here, and muddy water is stirred up everywhere. Vajra Water Dakini: Muddy water runs deep sometimes. Ellen: Yet, I feel, I see, I know – it’s always held in the arms of Earth. Vajra Water Dakini: (With a chuckle) Maybe Earth is Water’s lover and protector. Ellen: Come on, Water Dakini needs no protection! It is her dynamic power that can destroy anything that might obstruct her path! Vajra Water Dakini: What’s in her path today, Ellen? Ellen: Ha! You know me so well, Vajra Water Dakini. You know it is only “me” that is obstructing her path today. Damn! I want so badly to rid myself of this self-cherishing, self-grasping! Why is this so hard?!? Vajra Water Dakini: Nobody said it would be easy. But that’s the hardest part, Ellen, your “wanting so badly to rid yourself” part, that part. Can you look a bit closer at that part? What might she want to say to you? Ellen: She’s confused. She’s trying so hard not to get in the way. She just wants to be invisible, like a ghost. Instead, she rears her conditioned self (like a ghost) to shock me again and again into some uncomfortable awareness. Vajra Water Dakini: What if you could see her, instead of as a ghost, more like a mirror? What might she be reflecting back to you…though still she can be quite brutal and shocking, I know. Ellen: (I pause) It takes guts to look in this mirror. But when I do, I get a glimpse. I see her there. This play of goodness and thwarted intentions, this dance of human realness and clear, untainted possibilities, this love. Vajra Water Dakini: Go with that, stay with it. Let it take you wherever. Look into the mirror of muddy water. What do you see? Ellen: Turns out maybe muddy water can reflect clearly when our eyes are open. And that’s not magic, it’s wisdom.

I've been thinking about this concept of feeling "overwhelmed" as part of the Dakini's Whisper experience. It doesn't exactly describe my own personal experience but another word occurs to me which does, and maybe others might relate - overstimulated - though even the word "over" doesn't exactly fit. It's not like it's "over the top, too much." It's more like there are so many different resources, practices, offerings, that if I let the integration aspect slip through my fingers, my reaction might be one of helplessness, ("I can't do this."), frustration and giving up. Whatever the term, overwhelmed or overstimulated, it's for me a deeply ingrained, internalized feeling/energy, that swirls around my world with varying degrees of force. Khandro-la's teaching about the dimmer switch - it's all just energy, it's all the same energy - helps me rest in it and see what happens. May my awareness come back to this, again and again, as I begin this 3-month householder retreat.

As part of our Kechara Journey, we were asked to choose one of the 11 Yogas and dive deeply into it. I was tempted to jump into what seemed to me to be a more complex and challenging Yoga. But the Yoga of Purifying Beings kept calling to me in its simple power. I yielded the call. I “think” I have an understanding of all beings and phenomena being a manifestation of my own mind. I may even get a glimpse of this on-the-cushion from time to time; appearances dissolve and “I” am left with this experience of vastness that moves through my heart center, not my head. Off-the-cushion? Not so much. During commentary Khandro-la challenged us to take this Yoga of Purifying Beings off-the-cushion. So, this, I did. While driving the car, walking the dog, sitting in a waiting room and even, yes, when in the midst of family, friends gathering and socializing, I paused and imagined instantaneously becoming Vajrayogini with the red BAM at my heart! BAM! After a quick glance review of my body mandala, I visualized red light rays of tiny Vajrayoginis shining through “every pore” of my skin into every direction and on every being. These little Vajrayoginis danced and sang vajra songs, penetrating through blockages in my own mind to purifying ALL beings who then became Vajrayoginis themselves. I “pretended” that it was really happening, and it was magical! From within my own mind, I felt the power to literally transform my experience of people and situations. “My mind, the Dakini Queen,” was creating a pure land right before my eyes. I was standing in the middle of it all and the amazing things was that my own heart space was getting bigger and bigger! I was fulfilling the two purposes, right here, right now, on the spot! Coming back to basics, I am reminded of a few lines from the Cho Preliminaries, A Song of Realization in Praise of the Vision of Father Lobsang I, a yogini of unborn space, behold all sights and sounds as the magical show, the great deception, never grounded in any way. In this ecstatic union of appearance and emptiness, I gained my certainty in infallible interdependence.

What am I doing here, on this New Dakini Journey? Khandro-la advised us to,” Let go of the first answer and listen. Listen.” - To the stumbling voice – mine, gulping with unfathomable grief. - To the quivering heart – mine, aching with an unfixable wound. - To the precious human body – mine, growing old through time. Use it! Dakini exclaims. And so, in the footsteps of awakened masters, yogis, yoginis, I invite the suffering, invite it from all directions, and from all beings – as Khandro-la would say – seen and unseen, friends, enemies, strangers, human and non-human. I bring everything to the Dakini's blazing gaze. Then rest. And listen, again. - To my gentle voice singing a comforting lullaby. - To my vast, expansive heart embracing a world of hurt. - To my precious human body alive with all this time. This is why I am here, on this Dakini Journey. I dedicate my body, speech and mind to the awakened body, speech, and mind of Dakini in me.

I wanted to share a comical, true confession. I am happily spending significant time working on transcriptions of Khandro-la's teachings. One morning this week I was reciting the Six Session Guru Yoga and realized that instead of saying, “And vow to protect all the vows I have taken nor transgress even one for the sake of my life”, I said, “And vow to protect all the vows I have taken nor transcribe even one for the sake of my life.” 😊 Another time during the Five Dakini Retreat recitations I caught myself saying “bikini” instead of dakini. That really caused me to chuckle. Ryan said it best when I shared with him and he said, "sounds like the dakinis are up to their usual mischief." I must say both of these funny, brief instances "woke me up" to a glimmer of the mahamudra of perfection and seriousness. I wonder if others have funny and somewhat embarrassing meditation moments? Please share! Ellen

I am new at this practice and it is always a struggle to drop into the subtle energies and out of my thinking mind. I am discovering that visualizing wisdom dakinis dancing inside of me shifts my attention and awareness. How do you work with these energies with your thinking mind waiting for the next opportunity to label your experience?