As I sit here contemplating the up and coming death of my martial teacher, Sensei Cox. He helped me crack open my broken heart and lost humanity. Someone who has dedicated 40 years of his life to growing people through to the other side of trauma.
He found out he has a terminal brain tumor one week ago.
I dropped everything to go and spend my last bit of time with him in the physical.
It was precious the time spent. To pour 28 years of relationship into a few hours, distill the essence of that and connect in the flesh for the last time.
The sharing of stories.
Massaging the feet of this beautiful human being. Feet that are getting ready for enevatible journey that we all take.
Laughing and crying, often both at the same time.
All he could say as the tears flowed from his eyes "I'm good! this is not sadness. It's just that there is so much love and joy inside, there is no more room left in there, it's just spilling out now"
This is who and what he is.
So the gift that is coming in his death will be ever unfolding. As I take stock of this life and the lineage teachings I have received from him.
The rope that he handed to me. Comes with a lot of hands holding it from the past.
Do I drop the rope or do I pass the rope forward to the futures?
Of course I have to hand it forward along with the stories and teachings that come with those.
These past teachings have created the causes and conditions for me to be in this river, this lineage.
Life is full, yet so much to give.
So full of Joy and Love, that there is not enough room inside to contain it all. Sometimes it just has to spill out, with the face of many, many various emotions.
So much I want to share, yet not the words right now. Except.
Uke (the one in the middle being used to show the various martial techniques) the receivers of teachings or techniques.
To surrender the self to the teacher. To die in every moment of the receiving, slaying of the ego. To give yourself completely. To be vulnerable, to receive first hand what the teacher is trying to impart. To be open to the lineage, to flow through and live within.
To jump at any opportunity to be Uke, to allow the self to say "I don't know this, please teach me"
This is how I view my kind Guru Khandro La. She is my teacher and I am the Uke. I will take every possibility to learn. Place myself in uncomfortable situations of not knowing melodies, sound like shit while learning. Ask to connect and grow this lineage within. To run with this opportunity. Not cower in the corner of ego's false refuge and delusion of perfection, that it needs to look like it knows, when it doesn’t know shit.
My Guru's will all pass from this fleeting life. Have I truly collected the transmissions well?
Or have I remained in ego's firm grasp. Applying all the comfort excuses from ego's timid perspective.
A word he gave me, minutes before I left. One that we have lived by.
Okuden = heart to heart transmission.
To truly connect as only Teacher and Student can. Goes beyond blood. Goes beyond this life.
TAYATA OM GATE GATE PARAGATE PARASUMGATE BODHI SVAHA