Dear Khandro la!
Thank you very much for the transmission to these deep Vajrayogini practices (Eight-Line Praise to Vajrayogini, Yoga of Eating etc). I love these concise and meaningful practices!
Sometimes in meetings like this I try so hard to be present and attentive that ... I lose both presence and mindfulness. For example, in today's meeting, I couldn't download the file, then someone walked into the room where I was listening to the teachings, and then I started to think why so many things were not going my way, etc. It made me irritated and at the same time I didn't want to lose my mindfulness, because I've been waiting so long for this transmission. During the oral transmission (lung) I was relaxed and receptive, but later, despite my best efforts, it happened differently. In such situations, can I be sure that I have received the transmission? Or maybe, I thought, it is the Dakinis who are riotously playing with me to show that I should be more relaxed?
I will be very grateful for your answer, Khandro la.
Thank you for posting your experience and question. Your experience is genuine. You know, tantra is self-secret which means no judgment whatsoever, whatever happens, no matter how we interpret it. Why don't you rest in your own experience including your own judgment, negative feelings and doubts? Sometimes, especially in the West, our thinking mind gets in the way of revealing the beauty of being in the moment itself. We are encouraged to rest in whatever arises without judgment, expectation, hope, or fear. Why don't you try that?